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Archive for November, 2008

sorry, I need to vent

Sunday, November 30th, 2008

fuck this god damnit what the shit fucks on a plate with jesus titty-fucking christ on a cracker with god shit ass damn fuck damn god hell stupid piece of stupid with a cherry and a fuck-tart on top and pieces of damn with shit and fuck and god fucking what the hell fuck these cracker-jack shit fucking ass plate damnit!!!!!

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thinking waiting fasting

Saturday, November 29th, 2008

patrick pants:
krissy!
don’t fast!
your body will go into starvation mode and then it will make you gain weight!!
and then what will you do??
everyone will be like
“poor krissy. she decided to fast and now look at her. she is like tyra banks.”
and then you won’t be able to do cartwheels
and all the birds will stop singing
and there will be a dragon

krissy krazy:
pat its from siddhartha
no worries
I am not actually doing that
I guess I am a liar

patrick pants:
and he will eat you
but spit you out because you fasted
and then you will turn into a mannequin
and anna wintour will be all like
“oh, this mannequin is so banal”
and she’ll put you in storage somewhere in kentucky
and while you’re in storage there, penguins will invade
and the social hierarchy of humans and animals will be upset
and you’ll be brought back to life with a magical clock
and you will try to do a cartwheel again
and it will be all for naught
because the penguins
they have guns
and laser beams
and knots
and the dragon, well
he’s on their side
so you have to think about it:
do you want to join the penguins;
or do you want to die?
and if you choose to go with the penguins
you’ll have to be a mannequin forever
but you won’t be able to die
because you aren’t alive
and this would mean that you wouldn’t exist anymore
and everyone would be like
how could this have happened?
and then there will be broccoli and the dinosaurs will come back
but through some freakish experiment
so they are really dinosaur zombies
and then you have a huge war between the dinosaurs
and the penguins
and you will still be a mannequin
and you will try to do something, but won’t be able to
the end.

krissy krazy:
why are you so crazy prazzz?

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pat in real life

Thursday, November 27th, 2008

patrick pants: so I had thanksgiving at my brother’s girlfriend’s aunt’s house
patrick pants: there were many uncomfortably awkward moments
andrew: that’s a weird place to have thanksgiving.
patrick pants: I know!
andrew: i had thanksgiving at my mailman’s.
patrick pants: you got me beat!
patrick pants: but, no, it was really awkward
patrick pants: everyone kept asking if I had a girlfriend, and this girl kept hitting on me
patrick pants: I was just like “no, I don’t have enough time for a girlfriend”
patrick pants: sigh
patrick pants: if only I had a brought a bear along
patrick pants: then it would have been like
patrick pants: “hey everybody, this is my bf.”
patrick pants: and my mom would be
patrick pants: well
patrick pants: I don’t know
patrick pants: my mom would probably
patrick pants: actually, I have no idea.
andrew: i’m trying to imagine the scene.
andrew: the burly man greets your mom with a “woof”.
andrew: it’s awkward.
andrew: she asks about his bones.
patrick pants: or
patrick pants: she would discuss the differences between canines and ursidae
andrew: that would be the best.
patrick pants: and the family would just be like
patrick pants: trying to not show how uncomfortable they were
andrew: the dad would try to bring up a gay person he knows
andrew: to show that he’s not prejudiced
andrew: and the wife would contradict him: “no, he’s been married several times”
andrew: it’s just like a bad movie.
andrew: like “dan in real life”
patrick pants: except I’d be in it
patrick pants: and I’d be equally uncomfortable with a bear woofing at the table
patrick pants: oh
patrick pants: and when I told them (the hostess’ family) that I was studying math and japanese
patrick pants: the hostess was all like
patrick pants: “OH, REALLY?!?!” and then she left
patrick pants: and came back with a photo of a japanese prayer flag
patrick pants: and she wanted me to translate the japanese written on it
patrick pants: and I was like
patrick pants: “uhmmmmmmmmmmmmm” because I didn’t know more than 3 of the kanji
patrick pants: and then we played a game
patrick pants: and I was the drums
patrick pants: and I gave up
patrick pants: but it wasn’t rockband
patrick pants: it’s hard to explain
patrick pants: but it was stupid
andrew: you were the drums?
andrew: not the drummer?
patrick pants: yeah, I was the drums
patrick pants: woah
andrew: ?
patrick pants: I am really really cool
andrew: i know, but why “woah”?
patrick pants: it’s just the sound that happens
andrew: when one hand claps?
patrick pants: and when a tree falls
patrick pants: in a forest
patrick pants: with no one around

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beep bop yeah, yeah!

Wednesday, November 26th, 2008

what what what? you wanna dance? sway back and forth like a monkey in a commercial?
well, I’m sorry, but you can’t. why? because I have just been bumped up in status. rather than being walk-around-and-say-thingsman, I got the parts needed to upgrade to I-only-want-to-danceman, but you can call me danceman for short.

I only want to DANCE!